Hold on Playa

IM BACK!!!!!
IM BACK!!!!!
IM BACK!!!!!
IM BACK!!!!!
IM BACK!!!!!
IM BACK!!!!!

new , INFORMATION filled post to follow. hold on to your hats.

Here

Hi pretties,
i'm here.
I haven't deserted you and i haven't forgotten,. I feel like a dead beat dad who forgot to send money last month. my head is hung in shame and i know its been more then a while. But i'm almost ready to give you tons and tons of Mian-ness just as soon as i stop tripping over every box and living out of my 4 suitcases.
What i can tell you right now is i'm here.
we're here.
i did it.
We did it.

so i'm gonna marinate on that for a bit and get back to you :-)

<3

M.

Its Here

Welp. Here it is. I'm 30.
You know, its pretty devastating, but not as bad as i thought.

When I woke up today, i wasn't different. It was just another wednesday the sun was out. it was 82 degrees by 9am. 100% humidity. Awesome.

Stella woke up first, then Sophie.
We walked downstairs, i gave them milk put on Nick Jr, (my babysitter) and went to Keurig to make my self a coffee. I turned on the radio and the announcer said, "Happy Wednesday, today is July 13 2011 and its gonna be a great day."

Is it?
I shrugged and complied.
I was asked to play soccer at 8am by a girlfriend who lives 20 minutes away who was missing girls for a pickup a game. I told the brazilian to get her ass up here so i could go. She did.
I sped and made it there by 8:10am.
I killed it for 40 minutes straight. I got yellow carded. (yes i play kinda dirty)
I shot on goal 4 times. I assisted 2 goals. We won, and i got a lot, "wow, why don't u play for our team always."
I laughed and shrugged. maybe b/c they were in a lesbian league. Just sayin.

i hobbled to my car and left for errands. i went to whole foods for spinach tortellini and vodka sauce. I bought my favorite bottle of wine. I guess i was going to try and have sex with myself tonight, cuz as i write this it sounds like a pretty good date to me.

I went to Victoria's Secret, (b/c i like my boobs so i like to buy bras) and bought something on sale since i really don't like Victoria's Secret b/c of course its not exclusive enough for me. i just had a gift card.

Then i came home and fed my kids, put sophie to bed, and watched stella walk 2 steps. crying ensued. happiness filled my heart like a big pot of hot water that has a lid on it. Good Stuff.

i got like 70 fb messages, 14 text messages, and 4 happy bday singing voicemails. My heart continued to overflow all day. I kept looking around wondering why i kept being so scared of 30? Maybe b/c i cant act like im 29 anymore. and then i started thinking whats acting like 29?? having 2 mortgages, having 2 kids, working my ass off, and doing triathlons so i can look like a stay at home who only goes to the gym and sends her kids to daycare all day??

I'll do that forever, i thought.
 No matter what number is on the cake. So salud. I'm drinking an overpoured glass of Cabernet and having a dance party with my 1st born to Vogue by Madonna. while my sumo is eating her second helping of tortellini. Its 730 and i am not dead. I havent had a panic attack. and i refuse to listen to adele and go to sleep at 8pm. Instead i'm giving in to my girlfriends who are bringing chinese food and booze and are going to hug me if i cry and laugh at me if i tell a joke and be with me, b/c 30 is isnt bad. its actually great.
I'm lucky, and happy, and excited, and my heart is full. So full. So is my plate-- but i wouldn't have it any other way.
Happy Birthday to Me.

<3 you,

Mian

17%

2 days ago i heard a study on the radio that said that only 17% of American women had the big "O" every time they had sex.

                          SAY WHAT?!

I know.

Now before I finish the rest of my thought, i did pause to reflect on the fact that the other 83% might be in my audience, (which by the way has grown a tad since we last spoke) So in an effort not to offend anybody, i'm going to Walk the line a bit gingerly. i'll tip toe, i'll speak in my inside voice. I'll try not to be "normal mian" who would roll my eyes and say, "THATS ABSURD AND ABUSE! why have sex if you can't get off?!" 

so here it goes. full disclosure, I usually share with my husband my posts that involve him. Not for his approval, (LIGAF) but mainly b/c i love him and want him to hear it first. Sometimes, often actually he is mentioned or its ABOUT him so i read it to him so he's not totally mortified. 

Well not this time.

Chris is now in Newport Beach, CA. his first day of work is today. He's probably getting a tie on now, listening to WuTang Clan, and looking at himself in the mirror. he's 3 hours behind, and just getting his day started and we've been up since 6am, (thanks stella) and this is how we're going to live for the next 4 weeks. so i'm going to go on a limb and say he's not worried about my lil ol' blog and if i talk about some of our unmentionables. right honey?

So first things First. I'm a pretty good Lay. Lets just get it out there. I'm not the best.But I'm DEF not laying there like a corpse. So that being said, you know me. Or at least, you know a lil bit about me. and i have no time to do ANYTHING unless its going to produce a significant ROI. (return on my investment) 

I don't friends that dont bring Joy and happiness to my life. 

I dont do work that doesnt uplift me and also allows me to make a shit ton of money.

I dont drink alcohol unless im going to get a buzz. 

I don't have sex unless i'm going to get off. If i don't, well. I'm not that happy about it. unless i'm wasted. Then i'm probably okay with it, b/c all that movement gives me the spins sometimes.

So the idea that people have sex, (lets say people in relationships) all the time and the woman is just FAKING it, EVERY TIME makes me really sad. 

and Pretties, if you're faking it EVERY TIME, we gotta talk. We gotta chit chat. We gotta fix it. Because thats like eating frozen yogurt when you really want ice cream. Its okay i guess but man, Haagen Dazs is better I PROMISE.

Now. Please believe I'm a faker too. In fact I love to get drunk and show my ladies my best fake O impression. Many of you have heard it. (Dear chris, i never fake it with you honey, (insert HUGE EYE ROLL) )

The problem is that, sometimes or Rarely is not the same as ALL THE TIME. So the study was shocking to say the least and it got me thinking. 

Are these women happy? Would they be happier if they spoke up and said, "Hey cool guy. Um- this isn't really working for me...I mean missionary is AWESOME and everything but one time i watched a movie where people actually moved around and did it with the light not completely off and with music and with a bit of romance and then afterwards they smoked cigarettes, or snuggled, or just layed there kind of out of breath giving the other one kudos b/c hey, "that shit was pretty good" Can we do that?!

No one taught me about sex. Michael was absent and Rosa was working. No one had "the talk" with me. I lost my virginity under the bleachers of my high school with the quarterback; laying on top of his Letter Jacket while i was in my cheerleading outfit. It was straight out of an afterschool movie. I'm not worried about telling you this because I know my pretties don't judge. And i was young. i was easily influenced and he was my boyfriend. He said all the right things and I was dumb. And of course he is probably now the head cashier at Popeyes and I'm awesome, so I'm good.
But he was an important part of my life because he was the first of many men who taught me EXACTLY what i should not want in a partner. Sometimes you don't have relationships with people because you gain a lot of wonderful memories. Sometimes you gain a lot of heartache, drama and feel it was a huge waste of time. But actually you learn 3000% more in those relationships, (at least your supposed to) and so the shitty ones are just as important. So thanks #1!!!! I love re-living how effing horrible you were/are and hate that you head up my "list". UGH.

I love telling people where i lost the Big V and i cant wait to tell my girls this story, (and yes I WILL TELL THEM) b/c that will not be an option for them. As in ever. As in over my dead body. And really its a mute point since they are not having sex until they are 30 and frankly i don't care if they have it in a phone booth in the middle of times square. just as long as its not under the bleachers at 9:30pm on friday night while all you can think about is the wafting smell of the mcdonalds across the street and the fact that the sooner this is over the sooner you can get yourself some fries.

So i Like sex. Let me rephrase. I like great sex. I want this same desire for you, pretties. 

So if you're not having great sex, pull the cord and stop the bus. Talk to your partner and be sweet about it but tell them whats up. Great sex doesn't mean the big O every time. But lets say 8/10?? Is that fair?

I know many of you are Share-er's. 

"I just want him to feel good. I'm just worried about if he climaxes."

oh please. he'll be okay. I promise. And in my limited experience. (HA!!!) if you're that worried about making your partner feel good, then they are usually that worried about making you feel good and so HEY! everyone should be shouting at the end. ERRRRYBODY. Okay?

Now don't you want to go out and have some good ol' fashion college sex tonight? The kind where you don't care if you ate a burrito earlier in the day b/c he doesn't care and your jeans come off quicker then your bra and you forgot if you locked the door but also don't really care and actually are OK with someone walking in because you actually know you look GOOD from the back. 

So go forth!! Do the damn thing tonight. Because like I said above, chris in in Cali and i'm here. My college sex romp-y sex will just have to wait till I get back to Cali. and as you can imagine:

I 

CANT
WAIT
TO
GET
BACK

TO
CALI 

:-)

<3,

Mian

Bonus #1 who loves me Most.

My new au pair runs around the house with a smile on her face and says “very good” after almost everything. Her happiness is excruciatingly endearing and all I can think about saying to her, “is enough already!”

She is by far one of the best things that has come out of this very tricky ricky time we’ve had as of late. She came to me a couple nights ago and told me she wanted to get fake boobs when she went back to brazil. Then she told me she was out with a new friend she was introduced to by another aupair last weekend, and the new friend brought home TWO guys to have sex with. She said to me, 

“That is VERY BAD mian. VERY BAD. I do not like girls who are...." (she was searching for the word)

“Whores” I said flatly.

“Yes. BIG WHORE. BIG lady who is very bad.”

“I know, I know Samantha, I said. Some girls are not good girls like you.”

.

“I am not good girl all the time, she said dangerously,

 I like to be with the PENIS”

(I spit out my chardonnay)

“excuse me?” I say stunned.

“Yes, I love it. But only Freddy’s. He is my love. So I love his penis. It is good. I must.”

I stared at her for 2 minutes. 2 minutes in silence wondering what my next strategic move would be. 

WHERE THE FUCK WAS CHRIS???!

Was this even a conversation I should be having with my almost 20 year old au pair??

What kind of love was she giving her boyfriend Freddy’s Penis?? Maybe they were just dry humping? Do people still do that?

Then I flash forwarded to a glimpse of a conversation that might go similarly to this one with my Stella and Sophie. I began to hyperventilate at the thought of one of them saying to me, “ Mom, I love Penis”

Gagging. Hand covering mouth, to keep the throw up from coming out.

So I looked at Samantha and put my best mom face on and said.

“Samantha. You listen to me. You can love Freddy’s Penis, BUT YOU NEVER EVER swallow. Do you hear me??”

She looked at me for 4 seconds, trying to make sure she understands the sentence I just gave her. I chugged the rest of my kendall Jackson waiting for the outcome.

“OH Never Mian!! MY GOD. Never! You can believe, I’m a good girl”

so we both nodded in agreement and then she got up and walked towards her room. She turned around at the steps and looked back to say to me.  “ I love you Mian. I hope you know I love you.”

And like I’ve been saying to my own girls since they were able to hear,  I said back to her.

“I love you more.”

And like they’ve been saying to me since they were able to talk—(Which she has picked up from sophie quite quickly) she responded excitedly.  “I love you most!”

We laughed together.

My heart filled up immediately. I beamed at her with pride and told her to go to bed. My new 19 year old penis loving daughter. My self proclaimed good girl. One of 3 who loves me “most”. Bonus. One of life’s delicious new bonus’ that is coming out of a such a grey part of our lives.

And that’s your first introduction Bonus #1. There are 2 more Bonus’, but unfortunately they don’t include international soft porn like this post did. Sorry to disappoint. But you know I live in a reality show, so I can guarantee they’ll be good. GUARANTEED.

Happy Friday Pretties. J

Pretending is Survival

* disclaimer this was written on monday june 13 and i forgot to hit send. what? like i'm supposed to remember everything?
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Today has been rough kids.
Today is the day we put a sign in the front lawn that said for sale, and our virtual tour went up on Realtor.com.

Today is the day the hung a lock box from my front door and filled the brochure box with flyers about the 'inviting and spacious, and fully upgraded 4800 sq. foot home' we are selling.
Today was hard. And I wasn't expecting it to be.

So I found myself at 3:30pm in the parking lot of Harris Teeter sobbing like a baby. I found myself totally coming undone in the fucking harris teeter parking lot, crying to adele, with my foot on the brake and the car in park.
when chris called me, i barked at him. (naturally) and then i pulled myself together and went into the store to pick up condensened milk that my au pair, (or brazilian chef) needed to make a chocolate cake- FROM SCRATCH.

after i got the milk, i got magnum bottle of Chardonnay. I walked up to the cashier like something scary from a tim burton movie. my eyes were puffy and red and i kept sniffling. he goes, " its okay if you don't have your Vic Card, Ma'am. I can scan mine for you."

well of course i wanted to launch into why the hell he was calling me ma'am. why he was too pepperoni pizza faced to recognize that i wasn't crying b/c i didnt have a VIC CARD. but all i could do was laugh. all i could do was hang my head and laugh and put my hands on my hips and chuckle. "Thanks Hunter." i said. "You really saved the day"

I took the magnum bottle and walked in the house, dropped off the milk to the au pair. Kissed my kids and walked up stairs with a HUGE glass of wine. Then i started blogging. before i started blogging, i put on my sports bra and sat down in my underwear and workout socks. So here I am. Sports Bra, Underwear, Nike socks, sipping a huge glass of chardonnay. Isn't this wildly indicative of my life?? I always WANT to the do right thing, but never actually get around to doing it.  Because more times then not, the right thing just isnt the fun thing to do. And i'm fun.  I'M REALLY FUN. but today i felt like i've been watching "extreme makeover home edition" on repeat and been crying like i was on my period...gahhhhhh. enough already.

By the time chris got home from golf. i was better. I was buzzed first. but i had decided that i wanted Pork Tenderloin and baked potatoes and cauliflower. and i decided that my smokin hot au pair wasn't the only one who can whip up things in a minute. I could do it too. I WAS SMOKIN HOT TOO.

so i did. and i kept drinking wine. I kept pouring. I put music on. I put toy story on for my kids. Peace and Quiet.
more wine. things on the stove. nothing burning, yet. feeling better.

husband arrives and i don't launch into the 4561 things that didnt get done again today, i simply smile, push out my tits and say, "welcome home honey" like a good stepford wife should. we kiss, you know that lame married kiss. the one you give your significant other after tongue kissing gets too hard. I mean, don't get me wrong I love a good tonguing every now and again, but damn, every day? like 10 times a day tonguing? like a porno?
no thanks.
i just came around to allowing PDA in 2010. 
i'm sort of republican when it comes to sexuality.





I SAID SORT OF.

Anyway. We ate and had calm conversations and never raised our voice and even said nice things to each other. I got glowing reviews on the tenderloin, (take that brazilian top chef) and he loaded the dishwasher.

I pretended, like an academy award winning actress, that today was not the beginning of my pre Los Angeles breakdown phase. I pretended that the sign didnt bother me, or that the house being on the market didnt  freak me out. I pretended that I wasn't really going to miss all the people that are within an arms reach of me that so frequently help me get back up. DAILY.

and guess what. It worked.
I swear to GOD, it worked. as soon as i decided it didn't bother me. It actually didn't. i realize this concept seems like I need to get on some kind of bi-polar medicine but in reality i feel like if you trick yourself into believing something then IT IS. and thats called magic.

so its on like donkey kong. i'm pretending all day every day. I'm walking around like a lunatic with a big smile on my face and saying hi to people i dont know, and just living the dream as if i wasnt just uprooting my family, leaving my job, selling my beautiful home and moving across the country. Psht. thats nothing. I'm happy. Happy go lucky, happy to be here, happy to know ya. And we'll see if that gets me through.
Because thats the point kids, you just gotta worry about today. and then tomorrow, you can worry about tomorrow.

Once upon a time, someone very wise once told me, "Fake it till you make it, Thats the LA way."

How appropriate. L.A., here we come...

Love Letter Cherry Popped!

Remember when people didnt have internet. No phones. No faxes and no Ipads.
Remember people used to actually use the MAIL. and send things to people and you would feel glorious getting something in the mail. People used to get love letters and i would assume; because I've never gotten a love letter that didnt start with "I'm sorry i'm being a douche..." that love letters are the most romantic, most delicious thing someone could get.

A couple of days ago, i got my first love letter. Via Email, but forget about that part, i'm still super pumped.

The funny thing is it was from a girl. A lady friend. One of my fav. Pennies. I had just told her we were moving and she sent me this letter at 7am as i walking into my work meetings while I was out of town.
I read it on the toilet in the bathroom and started crying. then i re-read it again, chugged my coffee and started to fix my mascara. Then i went back into the stall b/c i had to pee again. And i re-read it.
My heart filled up to the tip top that someone (who is hot enough to have sex with but if we could be honest-- i would just be faking it when i came b/c she lacks some fairly necessary body parts)  would love me that much. I hope either you get love letters, have gotten love letters, or start to get one soon. It made my week. and btw, writing a love letter will give you the same yummy feeling. I wrote one to chris this morning, it said: Dearest Chris,
take out the effing trash.
Love, Mian.

Here it is, happy saturday pretties.


SUBJECT:  UGH- im so sad and i just have to FACE IT

I just cant believe you are leaving?  Its not real =(  Im in COMPLETE denial! I will first express how sad I am, because I have to but then I will be the good friend I know you need and I will support you.  I just want you to know how much I will miss you, Chris and the girls.  Sophia came over with Chris the other day to drop of the swings and I just wanted to steal her.  She is now so comfortable with me and gives me the biggest smiles when she sees me.  I will miss her sweet little face and voice so much! 

Now, the good friend in me is really hard to find right now, bear with!  I support and love you more than you know.  I am so proud of the friend, woman, mother and provider you are!  I know you will go out to Cali and crush it because that is what you do.  You will be happy, successful and content b/c its what you need for YOU and your beautiful family.  Im here, day/night even if you are across the country.  I am and will always be a best friend to you no matter your zipcode.  That said, DONT GO ;)  OK OK OK  Im done!

I love you xxx
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Love You Back, Lauren. xxx